Journal 9/17/25

"If I don't ever see the pearly gates, I've walked through the promised land."

I forgot to take medicine, and im kind of like...failing some classes.... im supposed to have at least a B in music theory but i have a 69. i really need to learn to stay up later. I have the seminar today, i feel ready-ish. kind of. I dont know, i feel like im failing everything. I feel like i'm gonna fail highschool , but not really. they'll probably just kick me out the vpa program and i dont really mind that, i feel like its too much work for me and i get easily overwhelmed.

my mama and her boyfriend came back yesterday, im happy that i get to eat homecooked meals again. my cooking is reallyy bad.

"she told me she loved me, and i told her that i do the same. then I od'd in denver and i just can't remember her name."

I feel weird, I want to love a woman, but i'm not a man. i want a boyfriend really bad too, but i dont think anyones just interested in me like that. I want to be a musician, I want to be like hanks williams jr. I don't want to waste my career though, i also want to go to college. I feel like something ruptured inside of me, literally and figuratively. maybe i should go to the open mic next tuesday? i want to play for people, im just not so good at playing guitar at all. I feel strange is all.

maybe tonight i can try and write a song, i want to write something about my friend sage. I miss her so much. No ones ever gotten me like she did, i felt like mikah could've been that person too but i just never saw him outside of one class in school. i miss him too, he was so sweet.

its lunch and we only get so long, a group of girls were screaming bloody murder just a second ago. I feel so sweaty, this isn't good for my hair, im trying to look good at the seminar (despite not putting on any makeup) I'm literally wallowing right now cause Of how stupid i am for effing up biology and music theory, and probably geometry too. I'm really screwed, and i did it too myself. I should've went to the social worker. its kinda late for me to do that now cause lunch is shorter on wednesdays. I brought an apple to eat, but not for lunch, gonna eat it right before the seminar.

i'm not really worried about the seminar anymore, just about my grades. i have chances to catch up tomorrow in music theory so i'm gonna take advantage of that. i have really confusing homework to do, so i have to learn formulas (?) its due by monday, so i have time to do it hopefully (correctly too). Otherwise I might just go and talk to Ms. Nas about it if i can.

I talked to a girl today, her names claire. shes from oakland, which is cool cause i go to san francisco alot. i have biology with her too, i didn't realize she knew my name and got confused. she seems nice enough though. I need more friends in animal science purely cause this choir stuff is gonna take up a lot of my time. and im not sure how i'm going to be able to take care of my lamb like this.

I want to learn to strum and pick a guitar better, but i dont really have time for it. i dunno. apparently i could've brought my guitar to the seminar so i wouldnt have had to sing a cappella, but im confident ill do good, its not a hard song.

I've got geometery in 3 minutes... at least i go to animal science after this. I'm gonna get kicked out of the magnet i know.